Sitting at the Table with Myself

Confession: I’m not comfortable sitting alone with myself.

In small ways, I’ve tried to push at this internal struggle, but ultimately failed until 2018, when I had to take myself to lunch, alone (my sweet friend came down ill toward the end of our adventure and was resting in our room), in Florence, Italy, barely knowing the language. What a “throw myself in the deep end” way of doing things. But that’s kinda how I do things.

After what happened in September 2020 (I still cringe and recoil at calling it was it was), I sought help in dealing with all the things that come with trauma and assault. And I’m finding small pieces of peace and healing. One of the things I’ve taken out and examined is this intense uncomfortableness I have with sitting alone in public spaces – be it the library, park, restaurant, or some other setting. Doing this turns my cheeks and neck hot. I get weirdly shaky and fumble with my purse, phone, lip balm – whatever I’m carrying or holding. I stumble through ordering a coffee or lunch, even at places where I have no issues when with friends. I fidget with EVERYTHING in sight. I even struggle with hearing what people are saying to me (more so than usual).

I’ve not been comfortable with me. I’ve not been comfortable with what’s in my head, my view of who I am verses how my family and friends view me, or what value I hold in life (others’ or my own). And sitting alone, just existing with no distraction against all the thoughts and ideas, which bombard my mind on any given day, has caused some ridiculously intense anxiety attacks.

Let me just say: I’ve had an amazing counselor. I know others who have struggled to connect with the right therapist for them, but I’m so thankful the first one I met with was the right one for me. She has encouraged and challenged me. She’s asked hard questions and helped me shift my perspectives. She has not be easy on me, but she has been God-given and been able to meet me where I’m at to guide me to becoming more whole.

I still have SO MUCH work to do, but one thing I’m doing better at is sitting alone with myself. A couple weeks ago I actually took myself to lunch as a reward – a REWARD – for doing something irrelevant to this story. Last year (pandemic aside), sitting alone at lunch would have been the epitome of punishment and isolation. Now I can sit alone, listening to an audiobook – so I can PUT THE PHONE DOWN – and just breathe. Breathe through the stress, breathe through the obligations, breathe through the jumbled thoughts until they make a little sense, and breathe through all the lies playing on repeat in my head until they quiet down and I can take a bite of my sandwich or sip my coffee with a little more peace than when I sat down. I’m finally finding calm in these moments where I used to see only chaos and rejection.

Confession: I’m not comfortable sitting alone with myself, but it’s getting easier and I’m learning to appreciate the company.

Standards

Merriam-Webster defines a standard as, “something set up and established by authority as a rule for the measure of quantity, weight, extent, value, or quality”.

On my way to church yesterday morning I was thinking about some events transpiring in my life and how I couldn’t justify them, because I live by a Standard. I began thanking God for a standard I didn’t create, for having a “box” to know my limitations and what is expected of me; to know, clearly, the best way to live and love and thrive. I had just told a friend earlier in the week, I needed to know the boundaries and expectations clearly, if our working together is to be successful. I don’t thrive in an infinite expanse of freedom – I’ll actually freeze up and become mentally paralyzed by the vast options and directions. And in that drive to church, mulling through my choices, seeing clearly the Standard set before me, I was grateful to have a clear direction.

In so many ways we talk about our personal standards and I’ve noticed how fluid they are. We raise our standards, lower our standards, throw them out the window, and change them. But a standard, by definition is a form of measurement. We don’t change what a foot or meter or mile measures, because we don’t like the length or distance of them, we adjust our plans and decisions to accommodate the measured length/distance required.

And yet…

This isn’t about bashing and beating people up. This is more a personal light bulb which lit up on a drive to church, on a Sunday morning. As a Christian, I claim I follow a Standard set up by God for His creation. In this context, God is the authority who set the Standard; the Bible is the guidebook to measure my life against and make sure I’m living accordingly. For some (many?) this may sound incredibly oppressive, however we live every day following others’ standards without question – jobs, banking, school, stores, driving, etc. All those things have standards attached to them and we, predominantly, function within them accordingly.

I love living by a rule of measurement that was designed by the Designer and Creator of everything. I have lived outside this Standard and within it, and walking holy is the most freeing, liberating, refreshing way to live. I don’t have a perfect life. I battle issues and worries and chronic illness and depression and I still say confidently: Holiness is right. The Standard is right.

The Standard doesn’t move, because I’m having an “off” day. The Standard doesn’t lower, because I’m lonely. The Standard doesn’t shift, because I want or don’t want to do something. The Standard doesn’t change for a virus. The Standard doesn’t change for racism. The Standard doesn’t change for wealth or lack of wealth. The Standard doesn’t change. It stands. We – people – are the ones who move away from the Standard.

Journey Through Gratitude Part 2

Today officially ended the Thankful Challenge my mom, sister, and I set out to complete 365 days ago. When we began I couldn’t fathom the impact it would have on me or that it would even do more than force me to be on Facebook everyday no matter where I was or what I was doing. This year has seen some incredible highs and devastating lows but through it all the challenge pushed me to focus on the important and best parts of life.

Here is my final thankful post of a challenge that turned out to be a journey to self-discovery:

Day 365: I admit for the past couple of months I’ve been wishing this day to come. Not because I haven’t enjoyed the journey but because it’s been the one thing holding a chapter of my life still open. Now that the final day is here I’m a little sad. You see, I’ve invested 12 months of my life into pushing through, no matter the challenges, and seeking the gems that are hidden in the mountain that is everyday life. Today and this post marks not just the close of a life chapter but the full completion of it. Many times when a project or task became “too tough” I’d come up with an excuse to quit and then quit leaving a feeling of failure in the empty place that was left. So today, on my last day of this journey and this chapter I am thankful for finishing a task. I’m thankful for fighting through to the end. I’m thankful for going beyond present circumstances and overcoming myself. I’m thankful that in this challenge I found a better me.

God bless you all for traveling this road with me.

Journey Through Gratitude Part 1

My journey began December 1, 2011 after a challenge from one of my sisters to express thankfulness for more than just one holiday in the year. We were to each post on Facebook one thing we were thankful for everyday for an entire year. We started out with my sister, my mom, and me. A few people have joined and dropped through the year. My sister’s newest family addition and a toddler have focused her time on her and her husband’s beautiful family. I can’t blame her for missing a day here and there. My mom is tackling a full house including caring for my grandmother who lives with my parents. Mom has kept up well considering those challenges. I’ve missed exactly one day after falling asleep from sheer exhaustion one night recently. When I woke I posted for the previous day and later posted for the current day.

In 15 days this journey will end. When it began I thought, “I can do this. This will be easy.” As the days turned into weeks, I began looking to line up thankfuls for 2-3 days ahead of time. As months passed I began to wake up with the goal of searching for a reason to be thankful. When hard times hit and I wanted to give up on the journey, I’d look back at how far I came and realize to quit would be to nullify all the previous posts. And as my life has changed drastically these past 11 1/2 months I’ve found grounding in knowing at the end of the day I still needed to come back from the whirlwinds of life and remember to say, “Thank you,” for something no matter how small.