As of tomorrow, October 11, 2020, it will be four weeks since an incident happened to me, which stopped my world. Because I’m pursuing this through legal channels, I don’t know exactly how much detail is publicly allowed. But I will say I was deeply betrayed (not even the right word for what happened) by someone who should have been safe.
It’s brought my world to a halt. I feel like a shadow in my own life these days. I feel guilty if I laugh or smile or enjoy a moment of life, and so isolated from who I was just four tiny weeks ago. I’m afraid to wear my own clothes if they’re not baggy enough. I want someone to reach out, but also feel smothered when they do. I feel pressure to be okay while those who know what’s going on insist I don’t have to hurry up and “be okay.” I feel and think so many conflicting things. I know the truth and logical realities. And they fight the false whispers and irrationalities inside my head. And the war is exhausting. I’m exhausted.
I don’t blame God. I really don’t. It was a human being who did what they did and that’s not on God. Period. Ya know, during this pandemic I stopped singing, yet since this happened, I found I sing to God most days. If only as a reminder of who I was before that day. If only as a reminder of who God still is.
This most likely reads as a jumble – that’s what it’s been like in my head. I’ve almost ghosted on social media. It’s lost it’s flair and flare. People name calling because they don’t agree on one aspect or another or because they assume they know the hearts and minds of others. People hating their closest humans and the most anonymous strangers. All for what?
What has hating someone ever done to make something better? How is hate and name calling and making fun of others going to help those privately hurting? How is all of that going to help heal another human being of some trauma or injury or wound? How is any of this wicked, disgusting, base, gross behavior going to turn anyone to do anything worth something of value?
How does it honor the God so many of them – us – profess to love and follow?
I’m standing still; the world is rushing on. And I want no part of the world I see. This world rushing on is what created the illusion I wasn’t valuable enough to be seen as a precious human to be protected and not used up. This world rushing on is what created the mindset of differences = less worthy. This world rushing on is what created the divisiveness so ugly there isn’t a word for it.
I’m standing still; the world rushes on. And I haven’t really cried yet; I hope the cleansing tears will come soon. I don’t hold much faith the justice system will bring me any justice. But I will keep singing to the God of my salvation.
I’m tired and hurting and just want to sleep in the arms of someone safe so I can finally – FINALLY – sleep.
I haven’t really slept since I started standing still while the world rushed on.