“Writing is what we do when we are at a loss for words.”
I said that to a friend on Twitter tonight in response to an article we’d read describing a young woman- Emily Letts- who recorded her abortion and said it was “cool”. I watched the video. It’s not visually graphic but left me shocked nonetheless. I wish I could rant and rage and scream over what this woman did, but I don’t have it in me. Not tonight. Her words shook me. Her boldness baffled me. Her video saddened me. And I’m left with so many questions. Questions without answers.
I took to Twitter to try and 140-character my way through all the thoughts and couldn’t find the words. A friend of mine has a Monday evening blogtalk radio show and invited me to come on at the end to discuss my reaction/response to Ms. Letts and I was nearly speechless. The best I can describe what’s going on internally is ‘lost’. I feel lost, upside down. This post isn’t faring much better. All my thoughts are disjointed but it’s better to write than to hold it all in.
I briefly spoke with my mom about it. She said, “I’m really proud of you. I know this isn’t easy for you but I’m proud of you and how composed you are.” My mom and dad (mostly mom) have been my sounding board and support system every time I take to witnessing these atrocities. I could take the easy way out and not watch the videos or read the articles or read the near-300 page grand jury reports. Yes, I went through the Gosnell grand jury report- every sordid word and every gruesome picture- but part of being in New Media is digging through the blackness of humanity. And my parents are always there at the end to help pick up the pieces of my heart and sanity to help put me back together.
The back story: I’ve struggled with infertility since 2005. I went through tests, surgery, rounds of fertility drugs- the works. In 2006 I found a faint “+” at the end of a plastic stick and had to keep asking my friends if I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. I quickly made an appointment to see my doctor and got started on prenatal vitamins. My doctor told me he didn’t know how I was able to conceive but by the time I was able to get in for the full exam I wasn’t pregnant anymore. We lost the baby at around 8 weeks. My doctor said it was an anomaly and probably my last and only chance at having a baby. The doctor pulled me off the medications because they were making me sick and said he didn’t see the point of anymore surgeries. Being a mother- the one thing in life I longed for most- was ripped from me. Nearly a decade later, a huge lifestyle change (being paleo and gluten free has done me wonders), finding peace and sometimes losing that peace, and my body has corrected itself and begun to function normally- something my former OBGYN said wouldn’t happen. There’s a shimmer of hope now for whenever I *finally* earn my MRS degree, but a big part of me is afraid to let that hope grow too much “just in case…”
So every time I read about a woman throwing away the blessing of the miracle of life because “Oops!” or she doesn’t feel like being “burdened” or whatever, I grieve to my very core because I know how precious life is. The mindset required to willingly and actively discard a world of possibility and joy is one far beyond me. I know the feeling of emptiness after the surprise of life and can’t begin to imagine what resides in a person that removes the humanity to the point of destruction of life. I’ve laid in bed talking to my belly, begging a child I can’t see to, “Please live.” I cannot fathom stealing a breath untaken from the lungs of a life yet lived.